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Saturday, June 30, 2007

This is a good article was really struck with what she said
because I do feel like I'm starting to be a witch especially
now that Joshwa is on vacation.

Witch mother
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Mama, are you a witch?” my little one asks. He has developed a fascination for witches that is reaching an amusing peak. Yes, I always answer, even if I know that certain people — and I won’t mention names — are itching to replace the first letter of that word with, uh, something else. “Bad or good?” he wants to know. That he needs to ask doesn’t bode well for me, but I insist on finding comfort in this faint display of doubt.

I’ve always had a thing for witches and people have referred to my mother, sisters and I as a coven, more for our razor-sharp intuition and extrasensory perception (dulled only, though repeatedly, by love) than any actual witch-like traits, i.e., warts, black robes, hooked noses, black, bubbling cauldrons… you get the picture. So, I actually delight in my own child trying to verify my sterling witch roots. Yes, I am a witch, inherently good until I became a mother and the hormones became crazily more female. Well, okay, it isn’t just hormones. It’s mostly fatigue, too, brought by the daily demands of hands-on, conscious motherhood.

There are days when equanimity escapes me and every ounce and drop of patience along with it. It happens, especially if mommies don’t get enough sleep, thanks to several unwelcome nocturnal visits from their children. It also happens when, already robbed of sleep, mommies are rudely awakened by pre-dawn whining, especially since rules are very clear about that tone of voice, that early in the morning. My boys have been told, even shown, that whining is the vocal equivalent of dragging a rake through my innards, but even that rather evocative visual flies out the window once they have decided to have a go at it. These are a few examples of what brings out my inner traditional witch and when that happens, even the crazy hormone-challenged woman in me looks like Mother Teresa. Yes, there are days everything rushes to the surface and I simply let it fly: big eyes, bellowing angry voice, slamming, banging. Rage.

But, oh, the guilt. The guilt.

Just this week a brief exchange with some mommies over our “bad behavior” proved that every mother 1) carries too much guilt; 2) does her best to be warm, gentle, kind and loving always; 3) inevitably fails at number 2 and finds herself raging, yelling, screaming, threatening and generally becoming a bad witch; and then 4) repeatedly opens her baggage to accommodate more of number 1. We also own too many books about how to be better mothers where we are told how to control our tempers, to always use the “I” voice, treat our children with respect, kindness, warmth… you name it, we’ve read it, tried it, failed at it and hated ourselves for it. Such is the emotional drama of real moms everywhere.

During this mommy-beating session, I did share that children needed to see their parents being wicked — not every day, but they do. No, I didn’t make it up. One of our Waldorf mentors sent me a very short paragraph written by author, Dr. Till Bastian, aptly entitled “Children need wicked parents.” In it he shares that children need to know how far they can go because they do go astray when they have no limitations and boundaries. So he suggests we dare to be “wicked” sometimes, make unpopular decisions, because these belong to the hard side of education. Children who have never experienced such a boundary cannot find their foothold on life.

Of course I know that ranting and raving are not the best expressions of boundary, but I am also very slowly learning to accept that part of me as real. It needs taming and transformation, but there it is. It is the part of me that arrives when I reach my own boundary. I have an amazing capacity to be stretched, then stretched some more when other people have long since walked out, but when I arrive at the boundary, I am there with bells and whistles: WITCH ON WHEELS. There is no turning back. This is a boundary my children know and respect though I am adding less volatile versions to my growing repertoire.

During an endless bickering session between my boys that would not die no matter what, that continued in the car as we got in to run an errand, I decided I had reached my limit. I very calmly asked for the car to stop so I could leave. I wasn’t angry at that point and quite beyond exasperation. I was just tired of it all. So I thought it best for them to run the errand, bickering all they wanted, while I escaped into my quiet home for a good half hour of peace. The car stopped, I said goodbye, opened the door and left. No drama. Later on I was told that the children were seriously silent the whole trip. Now if I could always be that calm.

The very first time I lost it with a child, I called his teacher looking for solace, asking what I might do to take it all back. She gently reminded me that you couldn’t take these things back (thereby causing my heart to hemorrhage) but that if I worked on myself and tried to overcome and transform such weaknesses, the child would also feel my striving. Human striving is a lesson of love that the child imbibes. So we strive.

Alas, it is a lifelong process. Every mother will still have her bad days, despite all her efforts, but it helps to know that we are not alone and as long as we keep striving, keeping up the fervent pleas to the heavens to help us be better today, tomorrow, the day after, reading all those good parenting books and trying out every little tip, counting beyond 10, taking deep breaths and then switching to Lamaze breathing because, what the hell, it might work, locking ourselves in the bedroom just so we can calm down and get it together, doing all this every day — then I’m sure all is not lost.

At a bookstore a year or so ago, a dear friend looked at me and said, “Look what my son asked me to buy for him.” I looked at the heavy book in her hand entitled, Son of a Witch. We had to laugh. It was clear what that made us.

“Mama, are you a witch?” Yes, I am. “Good or bad?” he continues. Like all difficult questions, this one begs to be thrown back. So I do. “What do you think?” I always ask. “Good!” he has unfailingly replied. As long as I’m getting that and my son still sees the good in my witch, I know I’m still being a good enough mother. I am still mother-woman-witch — my home trinity. I can’t be that bad.

Mothers today need to open their hearts and forgive themselves because being a good enough mom is already quite a feat. True and present parenting is a tough job (and don’t let any CEO bully you into thinking otherwise). We have to learn to stop beating ourselves senseless because nobody else will be kind to us about our weaknesses. That’s also part of being a mom. We bathe all the wounds, including our own because that’s just the way it is. So mommy witches, open your hearts and let yourselves in. You are not alone. We are all here rooting for you. We see right into your love and goodness. All will be well.
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

We are having a BABY GIRL
I'm just so ecstatic..I have some names in mind na and we're
going to discuss it.

The doctor discussed some birth control issues with me
and asked me what kind of birth control do I want after I give birth?
I'm thinking about having an IUD like Mirena para at least 5 years sya
andun and then she asked me if I would want a Tubal Ligation.I said no
thanks! Well personally a tubal ligation is something that I don't want to do.
EVER!!!! When you have that then its the end na and there's no turning
back na and I want the option to change my mind in the future.
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Joshwa's Pre-School Graduation

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My Travel Grade

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

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Monday, June 18, 2007

I've been Tagged!

I've been tagged by LitCoo

I must post the rules, 7 random things about me and then tag others to do the same. Sound fair enough, right? These are the rules… each player starts with 7 random facts about themselves on their Blog. People who are tagged need to blog 7 facts about themselves and post the rules as well. At the end of their blog list 7 people you are tagging. Let them know that they are tagged by leaving them a comment.

1. I love to eat. When I go to a Mall the first thing that I’ll look out for is a restaurant.

2. Although I love to eat I’m really not a pizza person.

3. I am also non-shopaholic and never follow the fashion trends. I just stick to the basics it never does go out of style.

4.I’m always thankful to God for all the blessings that he has bestowed upon me and my family. I thank him everyday.

5. I love to shop for scrapbooking materials and I subscribe to at least for 4 scrapbooking publications. But I don’t make enough LO’s at least not as much as I should.

6. I suck at digital scrapbooking and no matter how hard I try to get into it. I just can’t. Just the other day I was trying to convert the photo from colored to black and white. I was stumped I just didn’t know how to do it.

7. I am proud to say that I am sending a child to school through WORLD VISION.
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Saturday, June 16, 2007

My Ultrasound Photos

I've been meaning to post our baby's ultrasound photos
for posterity reasons.
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Friday, June 15, 2007

Joshwa's Latest Photo

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Joshwa's School Photo

This is Joshwa's school photo. I'm so happy about
the way it turned out.

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My New Hairstyle.

I love my new hair style. My sister
did an excellent job. It's easier to
manage and I have bangs.. The last
time i had bangs was in Grade School.

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I've been tagged by Zhashing.This meme is about naming
your top 5 resto.. Hmmm.. sounds cool and yummy!

Here you go....

I now live in CA.


The food is great and so is the service.
I love the coconut shrimp. Lahat ng natikman
ko dun masarap.


Masarap yung food nila a good reminder
of great food back home.

3. Pick Up Stix

Masarap yung food. Cooked just the
way i like it. Yum! Yum!


This is a family favorite. Lalo na si Joshwa
his face really lights up when we tell him na
sa Jollibee kami kakain.

5. Gaffey Street Diner.

This is a new discovery. It was featured in Food Network we ate there it was
great. Went back again and it was great.
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Monday, June 4, 2007

I'm still is okay and
weight gain is at 8 lbs for 16 weeks
not bad at all. We will finally find
out if we're having a boy or a girl on
June 20. Sana girl pero i have a strong
feeling that its a boy.

Gestational diabetes is still a big pain.. I hate
the injections and the 4x a day testing and
makes me think twice about having another
one in the near future.

Joshwa is doing great school is almost over and
because of that we (meaning I) finally gave in
to commercialism and decided to subscribe to
cable tv plus GMA Pinoy TV. I already have
the ABS-CBN on demand so it doesn't make sense
to have TFC.

Thats it for now will be posting again soon.
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My photo
Makati, Philippines
The name that dare's to be different. I love you too don't you know.